TIME TO PLAY: THE PHENOMENON OF KIDUDLING

There’s a special feeling when you jump directly into a puddle with wild abandon instead of trying not to get your wet feet. Likewise, it feels blissfully irresponsible to dip your fingers into paint and smear that liquidy goop across the page in whatever direction that feels right without your inner critic chiming in about whether or not you did it right.

 What we are talking about here is play. But in this case, it’s the adults who are having the fun.

 ‘Kidulting’ is another clever but kitschy portmanteau in the wake of several other blended words that create their own meaning - (think mansplaining and the humblebrag). It refers to adults who engage in play and child-like activities.

Although ‘kidulting’ is new to our lexicon, the instinct for adults to want to engage in innocent play is not a novel concept. Play simply feels but moreover, there are physiological reasons why play is innately within us.

PLAY IS A BIOLOGICAL IMPERATIVE

Whether your body is covered in hair or fur, our warm-blooded mammalian species is innately born with 7 "primal emotions" according to Jaak Panksepp. Play is one of these emotional systems which is hard-wired within us. Think of them as your built in emotional ‘factory settings.’

Play accompanies six other emotional circuits including seeking, fear, rage, lust, care, grief. So, whether or not you think are an “emotional” person, (spoiler alert), you are. You are born with these emotional capacities. But it’s up to you how you express them.

When you play you are living in the present moment which happens to be when we feel our best. The stresses of whether or not you’re good enough, too little or too much dissolves when we are totally immersed in the moment. Think about this: are you in self-doubt or inner shame when you are in a tickle fight and every part of your body is anticipating the tickle? I’d imagine the resounding answer is “no.” I imagine you’re likely feeling hot and flushed because you’ve just been laughing so hard. And when we feel that kind of blissful enjoyment, we have no concept of our deficiencies. We are delighted and we feel like a kid again. It’s a timeless experience.

Not only does engaging in childish activities connect us to a sense of joy but it also has therapeutic significance.

Being in a state of play says a lot about our nervous system. It can show you that you are in a state of connection. According to Polyvagal Theory we need to feel safe and connected (aka in our ventral vagal system) in order to play. So, when you engage in ‘kidulting’ activities, keep in mind that this is a sign that you are not experiencing any kind of threat. And for those who are dealing with trauma responses it’s reassuring and relieving to be out of flight/flight or freeze.

Secondly, play can also change your state of mind. It is emotionally regulating. For example, you might feel blah or as if you are on the perimeter of feeling anxious or depressed. But if you are able to pivot to an activity where you can engage in some kind of play, there is a good chance that you will feel better and that your mood will shift closer to happiness.

IS INNER CHILD WORK THE SAME AS  KIDULTING? 

On the surface it might seem that kidulting is the same as doing inner child work. While they share some similarities, in my opinion they are very different concepts.  

The inner child is a concept that refers to parts of one’s self or 'ego states' that are internal representations of our childhood experiences (which are usually painful in nature).

When children have repeated distressing experiences such as abuse (physical and emotional), neglect, abandonment and/or chronic loneliness, there are parts of that child’s brain which holds memories, thoughts, feelings and beliefs connected to those childhood experiences (in addition to their body holding remnants of those experiences).

As the wounded inner child grows up, these hurts are often suppressed but not forgotten. But as adulting unfolds, we can see fully grown people behave as if they were still a child especially when they are afraid.

Inner children are often revealed if you ask someone the question, “how old do you feel?” after they’ve reacted in ways they don’t understand or don’t feel good about. People say they usually feel ‘younger’ than their actual age (usually somewhere in the vicinity of 5-12). This would be an example of inner child energy that is being played out in spite of them being an adult.

This is evidence of the inner child who needs help and healing.

The process of working with inner child parts is a pivotal part of complex trauma (C-PTSD) therapy and often a common focus in my own therapy practice. In these cases, we need to help that scared inner child find safety, acknowledgement as well as alternative way of behaving.

Inner child work can include "kidulting" activities when we suggest that clients connect with their inner child by giving them a “play date.” This might look like taking that wounded little child out for an ice cream cone or build some Lego with your inner child in mind. But these activities have a therapeutic component: which is to keep emotionally connected to your inner child and check in energetically with that inner child to see if the child is feeling safe and is enjoying this activity with you as the adult.

In my opinion, the difference between kidulting and doing inner child work lies in the motivation and intention behind it. Whereas kidulting is about playing like a child, inner child work about being with the inner child; Being your own ‘safe parent’ so to speak by reorienting the inner child’s experience from hurt and fear of the past to the here and now which is a safer and more nurturing place. Inner child parts tend to feel ashamed, scared and defensive and they tend to live in “trauma time” where threats where ongoing or experiences of pain and/or neglect were chronic. Bringing your inner child in to the present helps them understand that ‘that was then and this is now’ and they don’t need to defend. They can just be.

With consistent experiences of trust and safety that the threat is a thing of the past, that hurt inner child energy can find other roles or ways of expression instead of trying to protect and manage real or perceived hurt.

 So, whether it’s just to simply feel like a kid or help heal your inner child, the next time you order the adult happy meal at McDonalds, remember you don’t need to explain yourself. Play is fun and also therapeutic. And best of all, you’ll get the toy all to yourself. There’s no need to share.

For more on this, you can check out on CBC Radio’s podcast about ‘Kidulting’ and features me as a guest.