THE RELATIONSHIP ‘POST-MORTEM’: 5 Questions to help you understand what just happened in your relationship

“It was so good when it started…how could it end like this?”

 This is the all too familiar question that gets asked when the relationship that “could have been” ended up being the relationship that wasn’t.

 Starting things is easy.

 Usually it’s the promise and hope for better things that catapults us into starting new relationships. In the beginning, we tend to be highly motivated and eager to take initiative. In this mindset we believe that good things will happen and we co-create this experience by taking decisive steps. This goes for any relationship – be it romantic, a platonic or even professional like working with a new therapist or practitioner.

In the context of romantic relationships, even though there’s the fear of being hurt, disappointed or showing vulnerability, it feels counter-intuitive to walk away from what we most desire – and we usually see the potential of love or at least an experience that is going to feel good. Neurochemically, we are also getting a huge hit of dopamine. So we say yes and we jump in.  

 In the beginnings, you might find yourself saying “this time will be different”.

 But what is that based on?

 Is it that you feel you’ve played the odds enough times so it should be your turn to win at the table? Or is it that you have chosen a different kind of person? Or is it you who is showing up differently in the relationship?

 Flash forward now in time to the point in the relationship where you are having doubts or ongoing struggles. The relationship has lost its lustre or there have been some ruptures in the relationship that are cause for concern. Do you find yourself as decisive to end the relationship as you were when you started it?

 Ending things isn’t quite as simple.

 In the beginnings of relationships, we have more simple ingredients: optimism and hope that the person in front of us will be the one help us realize our goal. However after time has passed in a relationship, the recipe has gotten a lot more complex. After investing time in a relationship and thus creating attachments, we then have to contend with things like fear (eg. of loss, not being enough or being too much) disappointment, doubt (are you over-reacting? Can you trust yourself?) not to mention the time itself we have invested in the relationship. After putting time and energy into a relationship, we are more biased towards staying in it (this is the sunken cost bias).

 Simply put, with more time and emotional investment there is more dissonance. We find it incredibly challenging to reconcile the fact that this person who was amazing and who we had intensely fulfilling experiences with might not be all that we had hoped they would be.

Were we wrong about them? Or is our judgment off?  And when we get trapped in this fear and doubt, we become very rigid in our thinking and the question becomes who is wrong? Us or them?

 No matter what the reason for the break up, be it your partner was emotionally unavailable/unpredictable/inconsistent/cheated/needy/angry/hurtful, the reality is that there were two of you in the relationship. Which means that two of you contributed to the coupleship.

 While it is tempting to skip over the self-reflection and decide that your ex is the one who has the ‘issues’ or you just decide to jump into something else that immediately feels better and instantly validating – doing a relationship ‘post-mortem’ is an act of empowerment.

 These 5 questions can help give you insight about what actually happened in the relationship and help you avoid being in a similar situation again.

1.     Was I Honest?

 When you seek companionship, it’s obvious you are looking for some kind of shared experience. But were you truly honest about what you wanted and/or what you were actually capable of giving?

 Often, people think they are in a dream relationship until they are ‘ghosted’, or someone flakes out or blows ‘hot and cold’. These are casualites of dishonesty. When you are asking yourself this question about honesty, you want to ask if you were honest with not only your partner but with yourself?

 2.     Did My Behaviour Match My Intentions?

 You are someone who would probably say that you value honesty and integrity. Looking back on the relationship, how did you demonstrate this?

In my work, I see countless situations where partners hurt each other overtly or covertly by lying, being emotionally inconsistent, threatening, emotionally demanding or withholding. But if asked, they would also say that their intention was to be a good partner.  

 If your behaviour and intentions don’t match, then you’ll want to look closer into why that gap exists. That is where the work needs to happen.

 At the end of the day it comes down to what we do. Not what we meant to do.

 3.     What Patterns Played Out?

 We tend to be creatures of habit for better or worse. This means we usually end up reverting to old patterns in order to 1) get what we want or 2) to avoid an undesired outcome.

 Patterns can include things like:

-people pleasing (saying you’re ok with something when you really aren’t)

-caretaking (making sure that someone else’s needs are met before you consider your own needs)

-blaming and accusing your partner for being ‘wrong’

-overlooking things that “don’t add up” and living with nagging anxiety

-explosive fights followed by intense ‘make ups’

 What patterns ended up playing out in the relationship? Have you experienced this pattern before?

 4.     What Did You Say Yes To?

 If you stayed in the relationship for any significant period of time, you are saying “yes”.  

 If you reflect on the relationship and find yourself saying something like “I can’t believe I repeated that kind of dynamic” then you might want to ask yourself, “what was it about that experience that I actually choosing?”

 Hint – we don’t always say yes to things that are good for us.

 5.     Who Needs To Own What?

 What role did you play in the health or unhealth of the relationship? What was your partner’s role? What needs were being met? Whose needs were being met?

 For example, was the relationship about sharing connection? Was the relationship about the need for power?  Was it to be excessively important to someone?

 To what degree were you meeting your partners needs vs your own needs?

 Reflecting on what happened in the the relationship is not a science and remember, we are not looking for perfection. It’s not possible to “always show up the way we want to” in relationships  -but by bringing a thought process to what happened, you will reduce resentment that might be lingering and you’ll have a better sense of understanding yourself and taking control over what you can – which is yourself.